capn_n_pye: (capn pye 2005)
[personal profile] capn_n_pye
Once upon a time, the giant cactus that may be more structurally sound that parts of our house was very, very happy.
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One other time Andru turned 40, which was very, very rude, because it means in 17 months we are going to turn 40 (which is obviously unacceptable). Everyone gave him lovely, thoughtful and respectful gifts and Chuckles smashed out a pair of awesome cakes…
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… and we were quite spoiled for choice at Bad Shepherd Brewing Co.
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The Cabin Girl is in a theatrical-speech time of life and delivered this gem:
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Jeepers, Mcgeepers, You’re 40 years old, and we haven’t even been to the Eiffel Tower yet! That’s definitely not acceptable. Neither is the fact you use salt and pepper hair dye. Let me just tell you this; I’m just glad you got back from the shark diving in one piece to stuff yourself with pork and beer. But look, we’re getting off the point. I’m meant to tell you you’re nice and handsome, but you already know, hopefully... Another thing I’d like to say is that you’re incredibly hard to buy for! Mostly because alot of people expect me to buy you deoderent or undies with elastic. But those, are ordinary gifts for a dad. But, do you expect a daughter who speaks up about her dad’s grey hairs to by deoderent for his birthday? No! It’s ludicrous! Fathers always have too much deoderent! And if you ask me, I choke on his deoderent, so why would I want more?! So, for a dad of so many words like polite, rambunctious, nice, boisterus, friendly, handsome, joyfull, smelly, that may be in a nice way…, and many more I probably can’t think of right now, I would like to say thankyou for being the best dad in the entire universe. But back to the subject of presents. I thought long and hard over this. And came to this conclusion. It doesn’t matter how big or small it may be. It doesn’t matter how priceless or litterally priceless it is. It’s the thought that counts. So as my gift to my dad I give the official gift that I have given all those 11 years. I give you my love. And that love will go on.
Love is all right, we suppose, but obviously a Chewbaca mask that makes roaring noises when you move your mouth is better. We gave it to Andru, but really, it was a gift to all.
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Andru’s birthday heralds the beginning of the end for Year 12 students. On Muck up Day, one of Pye’s students did precisely what she should to the giant ‘Art’ sign...
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… which represented about 80% more effort than her Indonesian students put into their studies. Stinky was insufferably smug because her most talented Year 12 student (who happens to be in Year 10) earned herself a raw score of 43, which scales up to 48/50. She is struggling with great pride, but also the realisation that this is as good as it’s going to get...she’s peaked. It’s a nice problem to have, but realistically she should just quit now.

In between all that, D’admiral and Chuckles came for a visit. We thought we were taking them out for dinner, they thought lunch...so we did both. Quite frankly we needed to in order to get over the very meh Filipino food from the disappointing place down the end of our street. Wah Wah Gee on pier made up for it, and Stinky got to harangue a couple of her slackers who were fishing instead of finishing their overdue homework – “Hi Bu!!” “Hey Shaneeshya, how are you? WHERE’S YOUR GODDAMN HOMEWORK, EH?” It was fun!
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Along the road to Christmas, we took some of our creative wares to a couple of Cowrie markets and have been pleasantly surprised to find that people are actually starting to want to buy our shit! Dinosaur planters have proved the most popular, but eventually a few people came along who realised their life needs a book planter, whee!
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Perhaps if Stinky is going to be forced to quit her day job, this is a very lucky thing. Mind you, we didn’t feel so lucky at the December market, the morning after we had had a fabulous ‘lunch’ with Belrog, Jen and a Surprise!Dav. Yum Cha was good, but the meese decided it wasn’t enough. Would you argue with these two?
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We thought it best not to argue, so we headed to a roof-top bar.
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And stayed there probably longer than sensible grown-ups should, particuarly those with an early-morning market the next day.
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But we’ve got ahead of ourselves. Returning to the birthday theme, Andru’s birthday traditionally marks the start of the birthday season, and the Cabin Girl had a special one - she turned 11 on 11/11.
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Here she is at 11:11pm on 11/11:
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She woke up enough to hold the phone for the photo, but didn’t wake up enough to remember doing so. It reminded us of once upon a time when we enrolled to vote. Back in the day, someone decided that they should go door-to-door to help young people get on the electoral roll. We’d had an all-night movie marathon the night before, so when the knock came on the door, we were both having hearty naps, but somehow Stinky heard the knock. The chap was delighted he’d found not just one but two almost-18 year olds and gave her the paperwork. She swayed and stared blearily while explaining the context, so he said he’d circle back around to pick it up in a while (thus giving her a chance to find a pen and some synapses). Stinky cleverly filled in both forms, and then stood over Pye to get her signature.
“Hey, wake up and sign this, you’re enrolling to vote!” she said.
“That’s cool, sure thing,” replied Pye.
Then she just lay there. Stinky stared at her for a long while before realising Pye had gone back to sleep.
“Oi, sign this!” she said again, shoving a pen in her hand.
This time Pye sat up and did as instructed, again without really waking up. Later she had to take Stinky’s word for a lot of what went down, and it was a lovely surprise on Election Day to discover we’d both enrolled correctly, phew! Anyway, long story short (too late), don’t let anyone tell you that enrolling to vote is difficult, you can literally do it in your sleep.

Getting back to the Cabin Girl, she was pretty damn excited to get an iPad (and the Power Monkey was green with envy)
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Just because she’s getting older doesn’t mean we are any less of a good influence. Here you see us discussing the poetry unit she was doing in school...
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They were up to limericks, so we told her this one:

Said a snuff-taking vicar, “With ease
I can stifle the mightiest sneeze!”
But in chapel one day
His arsehole gave way
And shit filled his pants to the knees!

Of course we substituted ‘bum’ for ‘arse’ and ‘poop’ for ‘shit’, which is why we went for that one, not a man from Nantucket. It was just as well, actually, because she then went to school and read it out to the class - apparently her teacher lost it and had to run out and tell the other teachers, lol.

The Powder Monkey’s birthday comes a bit over a month later, when his sister tried not to outshine him with her recent role in the Victorian State Schools’ Spectacular…
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Birthdays are an excellent time for him to continue to build his world-class collection of Lego. Recently he has taken to building scenes from Les Misérables and narrating the behaviour of the characters (here’s Gavroche, he’s not dead yet. Javert’s up here, he’ll do the stars bit later then commit suicide. Here’s a convict dragging a boat, but it’s not Val Jean, he’s over here with Fantine, etc).  His doting grandparents gifted him with a t-shirt with ‘24601’ printed across the chest, which he loved because that’s what all the nine year olds are into these days.
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They also gave him a card with a historical photo of the three of them on it and proceeded to re-enact it:
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You might not be able to tell, but the grandparents are wearing the same thing in both photos, A+ for effort! We snuck in this book character who seems to be 100% based on the Powder Monkey:
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People also say that the Power Monkey looks like Peter Andre’s kid, but we don’t know how to feel about that.
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The Powder Monkey was very proud of his cake - it was always going to be Star Wars themed, but we didn’t see the ‘wampa poo’ theme coming!
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We celebrated his birthday a week early (because his actually birthday is perilously close to Christmas). Closer to the actual date the universe gave him the greatest gift of all - a new Star Wars film. Rogue One (or ‘Rouge One’ as the internet seems to think it’s called) came out just in the nick of time to have a surprise viewing. We saw it separately at a fundraising screening that came with cos-players with special birthday messages for the Powder Monkey:
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It’s not all just about people commemorating the anniversary of another lap around a giant fire-ball in the centre of our solar system. In between birthdays there were all sorts of other adventures. There was a super moon...
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… and Mornington Council tried to squash a scrappy group of rat bags by trying to price them out of a VCAT hearing, only it didn’t work. Ha ha, suck it, evil-doers!
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In other news, someone called Ned seemed to have pissed off Lincraft…
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… and someone stocking shelves at Woolworths seems determined to sneakily ruin someone’s toffee-making plans…
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However, it is possible that the greatest sign of 2016 was reserved for Stinky’s school. The houses are all named after people and they all have posters up in the hall, like this.
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Some bright spark noticed that things weren’t quite right. If you google ‘Dame Mary Gilmore’, you'll get something like this:
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Mary was pretty awesome, but you can’t deny she’s a bit severe-looking. But this one looks like it would be nice for a poster:
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One small problem, that you could discover by visiting the website. Yep. It’s not Mary.
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I think that Nellie "The Gypsie" Evans would be into it, but we wouldn’t want to piss off Dame Mary "So hard-core the unions couldn’t handle me" Gilmore, so they fixed it toot-sweet.

Before you could say ‘where is all this tinsel coming from’, Christmas was upon us. Moose was more than ready, even if he did complain about the pins holding his hat down affecting his personality where they jabbed into his brain.
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Pye was revelling in the luxury of actually being present in the lead up to Christmas (last year she’d hitched a ride home with Santa, after a World Challenge expedition), while poor Stinky had to work right up until the 20th. Norma and Donna had a cure for that though – the very next day they whisked us off to take the waters at Hepburn Springs, whoo! There’s certainly nothing like marinating in spa waters for a few hours, followed by Devonshire tea and pizza to distance oneself from the horrors of the school year.

And before we knew it, Shitscram was here!
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We celebrated the 35deg Christmas Day at the only 10-Michelin star venue in the world (aka D’admiral and Chuckles’ place), consuming a veritable Noah’s Ark of dishes, followed by late afternoon fat-swimming (we were quite surprised we didn’t just sink straight to the bottom). This year’s gingerbread house featured a very confused penguin…
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…and Moose and Chuckles had a ‘who wore it better’ competition (Chuckles won):
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There is a sort-of-sand snowman kit that was supposed to slowly ‘melt’ next to the gingerbread house, but it was so hot that it wouldn’t hold together at all. We were still into it, though.
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The children left a letter out for Santa that read:

Dear Santa,
I won’t keep this long because I know you’re a very busy man. We have left some food and drink out for you, but you don’t have to eat it all, I understand that there are alot of children who leave out food for you. You are welcome to use the toilet aswell, there’s some air freshener in there. For the reindeer, 8 carrots, and some water. They don’t have to eat a WHOLE carrot because they must eat alot aswell, and I know you have to wait at least an hour after eating before swimming, but I’m not sure if it’s the same with flying. You are also welcome to shed some clothing because you must be boiling in what you wear! This brings me to a few questions, but you don’t have to answer them:
- Do you have an endless time portal during the night to get to all the children in the world?
- Do children in Iraq and Iran and places like that get presents?
- How do you have room for all the presents in your sack?
- Are you just an endless living person, or are there lots of Santas?
- Do you and Mrs Claus have children?
- Do you often get tired?
- Do you still go to children who celebrate Hanukkah?
- How do you read so many letters?
- Children only start sending you letters later on in the year so how do you make that many presents so quickly?
I’ve already written 4 pages, so I’ll wrap this up.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hope you have some time to rest after this, because everybody needs ‘them-time’, even Santa Claus!

Everything more or less went according to plan, except the moose got into Santa’s drink…
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… and Santa even took the time to write an answer!
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Thank you for your beautiful letter. I am busy but love getting letters.
Thank you for the snacks… I think Moose already finished the drink.
Better go… busy night.
Have a great Christmas
SANTA
PS I do get tired but that’s OK

There was the traditional orgy of presents where most of us made this face at one stage or another…
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… and the prize for most unusual gift was a draw between the dead-chook-shopping-bag-holder and the cat’s arse coasters.
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Pye voted Stinky’s new t-shirt ‘most dangerous gift’ on account of the Ideas it could give Moose.
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Luckily Moose (mostly) behaved quite well, reading his new book and rearranging the letters on the Cabin Girl’s new lightbox.
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The Power Monkey liked his stickers that were in no way Star Wars rip-offs, no, not at all.
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We liked the various forms of hanging-places that afforded us opportunities to be horizontal.
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In the end, our two favourite quotes of the season were these:
“Dad, I learn more swears from your family than I do at school!” #CabinGirl #ThanxUncleDoug
and
“I got so drunk I ate three desserts!” #WeHeartChristmas #DoingItRight

Bad news at Christmas included 2016’s celebrity slaughter campaign continuing, with news of Carrie Fisher’s heart attack – we thought briefly the gods would have been content to take George Michael and let her get better but nope. Still, she died as she lived – drowned in moonlight and strangled by her own bra.

Andru – presumably inspired by 2016 – got this cuttlefish. It put on a great light show before its sacrifice and was delicious.
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Good news in between Christmas and New Year’s included Davros coming all the way from his home in the UK to save us from a giant huntsman…
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… and help us with day-time cocktails…
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… which were extremely important, given how foully hot and gross the weather was being. Just when we thought that 90% humidity was how we had to live now, the weather broke just as the year gave out. Happy New Year’s Eve!
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